Lap Dance

Music, Journalism, Stretch, Stretch

Stretchschool

Stretch here. I don’t get embarrassed, but this was fucking embarrassing.

This one still makes no sense to me. We used to have this church assembly in school. There were three buildings: a Georgian-style Junior school, a modern Senior section, and fucking Hogwarts for the first to third years.

Inside Hogwartsland was a purpose-built church which seated about 800 school kids. The headmaster, Mr O’Connor, would regularly bring us all in here for masses, assemblies, choir practice etc. He was a small, bald man whose head would grow redder the angrier he got, which was a lot.

I was neither a shy nor outgoing munki but skirted the edges of both. Even at age nine, I had developed a bit of a thick skin to slagging and was no threat to the bullies or the bullied.

During one of the masses myself and another lad were messing from word go. Nothing major, but we had been shushed by one of the teachers early on. I went to get communion and took it in both hands. Even then I didn’t want priests putting anything into my mouth.

I flung the communion wafer in my face. It was thicker than the ones we would normally get in our local churches on Sundays. Typical. I was accustomed to those thin wafers and waiting for them to gently melt. This was a different proposition. I sucked and sucked but all the saliva had dried up. It had got stuck at the roof of my mouth. I sat back in my seat and my pal started laughing at the face I was making trying to dislodge this object.

Other boys around me noticed what I was doing and began smirking. I put my finger in my mouth to get rid of the wafer just as it flew out, landing on my legs. A burst of laughter from all the kids around me alerted the headmaster, who shouted, “STOP THE MASS.” The priest stopped, the kids stopped. “MacGIBBON! STAND UP!” I watched as his face filled up with blood, drips of sweat shining on his bald expanse.

“What is so FUNNY that you feel like you had to disrupt this Mass?” I sat wide-eyed. “STAND UP MacGIBBON.” I got up but put my hands on the rail in front of me for support. “WELL?” I looked around. The entire school were watching me like hyenas. “Sir. I, I, got my communion stuck in my mouth.” I tried to be a little more confident. “Then the communion fell on my, my…” I couldn’t remember the word for legs, trousers, jacket, nothing.

“It fell on my, my, my (silence)…LAP.” A thuderous roar of laughter pealed out and I realised I had gone red as fast as the headmaster, who was now going purple. I stood in horror; I had no idea why the kids were laughing. The headmaster seemed to take my utter humiliation as punishment enough and told me to sit down and shut up. The blood slowly left his face.

As we filed out of the church back to our classes, a kid I know who is good for slagging came over, punched me on the arm, and said, “Ha, Lap. Ye said Lap, ye sap. Reddenoh!!” To this day I still don’t know what happened there.

Meanwhile, this is from the new Cinematic Orchestra. It’s got Roots Manuva and it is beautiful, especially when the strings come in at the end.

 

 

 

Stretchcast Volume 2: Cheep cheep seated hatred/Snow means Snow

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Stretch again and again and again…

So, a fairly rushed number deux. Still, it’s loud, uplifting, downlifting and slightly treacherous, poignant and obnoxious. Just like me. Anyway, a special Christmas one coming soon. Now, Stretch will re-enter real life where he is not welcome. Flump!

INTRO: Ivor Slaney – Easy Prey (Terror/Prey) 2. PVT – Window (Church with No Magic) 3. Various Productions – Maskmen (Maskmen EP) 4. Selfish Cunt – Feel like a woman (English Chamber Music) 5. Meat Beat Manifesto – Acid Again (Actial Sounds and Voices) 6. Modeselektor – In loving memory (Hello Mom!) 7. New Order – The Him (Movement) 8. Prolapse – Bruxelles (The Italian Flag) 9. Bonobo feat Andreya Triana – Stay the Same (Black Sands) 10. Underworld – Scribble (Barking) 11. Anti Pop Consortium – Volcano: Four Tet Remix (Volcano EP). 12. Roots Manuva – Again and Again (Slime and Reason) 13. Negativeland – Over the Hiccups (Escape from Noise) 14. Jaga Jazzist – Oslo Skyline (What We Must)

Increase Volume for Number 14. Downloadable (Click arrow on side of Soundcloud yokey)

No ChikChok! It is my turn to listen to the Stretch MacGibbon Stretchcast Number Deux

STRETCH SONGS OF JOY 2008 Part Deux

1, Music, Journalism, Stretch

Allo again..

Here are more reasons to avoid mainstream music. May not be for everybody but neither are lotsofthings….like looting and XFactor and drinking Southern Comfort.

6. Various Production – Maskmen

7. Thom Yorke – Skip Divided (Modeselektor mix)

8. Various Production – Wot U Say

9. The Raveonettes – Aly, Walk with me

10. Roots Manuva – Again and Again

 

This Various Productions song is really infectious. At first, I thought it was a bit y’know, but then I realised it was supremely oh yeah I see. Watch them live on the net. They all dance funny. Also, go to their website where there’s an hour long mix absolutely free.

I was driving home from work one night and this came on. I liked “Eraser” to a certain extent, but the “Skip Divided” remix by Berlin electronic producers Modeselektor (Check out Hello Mom) explores the darkest depths of the original and added a fairly scary soundtrack to my lonely drive home. There’s someone in the back seat, aaargh. They think they can drive better than me!

Okay, another from Various Production. There something a bit Kate Nash or Lily Allen about this, but only if those Eastenders rejects had been brought to a singing coach and given 1000ccs of ska, while being injected with the knowledge of the gypsy. Gypsys are such fun, really they are.

I was introduced to the Raveonettes only a few weeks ago and this song has been going round my head ever since. Like a combination of the Velvet Underground and the Jesus and Mary Chain, this Danish band are worth their weight in bacon. Speaking of JAMC, was 2008 the year when Glas Vegas conned the planet? Starting out as a talent show on an Irish language TV station, they quickly ripped off the JAMC sound and their prick of a singer walked around as if he was the first person ever to wear shades. How up yourself can you get? Alternative music is really starting to feel wallpapery.

Roots Manuva: the best hip hop to come out of Britain in a long time. This opener to his latest album Slime and Reason is a mish-mash of styles, hip hop; reggae; calypso; early 1980s test match cricket… A nice Summery sound to warm me up on this cold, cold day.

So that’s pretty much the extent of it. Feel free to disagree, but I guarantee there is at least one song there that someone will like.