Somedays you wake up and realise what a mess you are so here’s how to become that mess. God is dead as Hawkes Chesney once said. The following is simply my munki guide of things that I won’t do and behaviours I can’t tolerate. Let your own guide be equally as long and pointless. Like life, see?
“For success is dying in a way that doesn’t cause mucho bothers to others. Kapiche?”
Gene Simmons from Kiss
- Do not wear flip-flops for fuck sake
It seems like such a practical item until you realise they were invented by Belphegor who was not only a prince of hell who encouraged men with promises of wealth; he also found time to push the boundaries of flip-flops by making them widely available in the world outside of swimming pools. It is impossible to walk quickly in flip-flops or get anything useful done.
- Do not wear a t-shirt with a pocket
Hmm. How do I make a perfectly plain t-shirt more exciting to please my boss and I’m on deadline and I have a hangover and my girlfriend left me and I hate everyone and if it wasn’t that my mother was proud of me I would end it all. What’s the pocket for Bob? Em…Tea bags. Cool.
- Do not wear slip-ons
In other countries this may be a done thing, but in Irlanda of the 80s, slip-ons were accompanied by white socks and usually a black flag and occasional balaclava to y’know, accessorise.
- Do not wear slip-ons with designs
- Do not wear the band’s t-shirt when going to their gig unless it is a metal band, then it is acceptable enough.
- Shoes with no socks is like fucking a dead person.
Again, it works in other countries where people are basically attractive, but in Irlanda it is a red flag for sweaty feet, verucas, fungal infections or that drunk who lost his socks but will be commended for managing to get his shoes on. Also known to take off trousers over shoes. Y’know that guy. He’s a survivor.
- Men+ white trousers=Hades this way lies. Q.E.D
Unless you’re Johnny Logan, you’re not going to pull it off. That’s what Johnny Logan says…
- Shades in Irlanda
It’s presumably obvious that if you drive and Audi or BMW you will wear shades even at night because the last thing you want to do is not conform to a stereotype. Some people can get away with it, but until recently in Irlanda it hasn’t been THAT bright. I mean not since 1976: the last time an outbreak of happiness and bad water management hit the country. Also the Irlandese will look like pall-bearers at an IRA funeral.
- Do not wear a shirt or t-shirt with a designer logo, unless that logo is the picture of the poor child that has caught its head in a weaving machine, then you’re just being a dick deliberately, so minor kudos.
Or if you’re Chevy Chase.
- An alligator on a shirt is a kick in the genitals to a poor orphan child. It really, really is.
- A man bun should not be worn over the age of 20
There are better ways to start your midlife crises than an unimpressive ponytail. (Write me for better ways. Done ’em all)
- Grow a beard. No it’s cool. You’ll be the only fucking one, honest.
If Karl Marx only knew the trend he started he would be spinning in his pauper’s grave (Irish education right there).
- One selfie at most per year and try for fuck sake to at least be ironic about it.
It’s easy to take a selfie at face value, until you become objective about it and realise what process weirdness is going on in the scenario. This will lead you to believe the person is going through some kind of crisis but…Oh, look 96 likes.
- Just coz Nick Cave does it doesn’t mean everyone should walk around a crowd like they’re fucking Jesus or Nick Cave.
- Try centrist politics America or just give up.
The coincidence that your entire political system sits nicely within the parameters of Twitter is unfortunate. The inability to distinguish yourself as a human being with the ability to have a whole range of ideas and communicate them to other people is frankly un-fucking-evolved. Greatest country in your hoop more like.
- Boycott ‘Nuala Carey” She ruined TellyBingo for me.
I will not repeat her name but she is essentially William H. Macy in “The Cooler.” I used to win loads of money on TellyBingo and then she presented and now I owe fucking TellyBingo money. How does this happen? Fuck you Arcade Fire. Come back Shirley.
- Saying ‘End of’ at the end of a rant pretty much explains what a fuck-gannet you were with all the preceding words.
Why do people think with such certainty that they know everything? They don’t. It’s impossible. Also include “I’ll think you’ll find that” and “I’m sorry but..” Usually will have an alligator on chest for leisure wear. Something for the weekend, sir?
- Don’t lionise politicians just because they do one good fucking thing.
Leo Varadkar and Simon Harris got a lot of kudos for the result in the recent referendum for the amazing hard work done by loads of women throughout history, whose innards politicians were playing Russian roulette with. Still, that Leo blooper reel. Laugh? I did not.
- Don’t use ‘my missus’ or ‘my bird’ or ‘her indoors.’ Not only does it suggest you have time-travelled from the 1970s series “On the Buses” but is also suggests you are in some kind of control. You are not.
“Ah, but Jaysus, the lads down the pub say it and dey are the greatest like and dey talk about de burds and de tits and, and, and bleedin Halawa and peeeeeedoes and Billy said the blacks are taking over he did and, and, and, and, and food stamps and the gays. Ah, Jaysus.”
- Don’t drink and drive. You’re only fooling the dead child under your front wheel.
Again, you are not in control of anything while sober. What makes you think that this changes with alcohol? Maybe sit home and read some philosophy or build a birdhouse. Write a novel or crochet a blanket. Just don’t drive a Ford Mondeo over the faces of some poor suspecting humans because you wanted that one more pint of not very good lager.
- If you absolutely have to use the demeaning-to-women word ‘cunt,’ direct it at office stationary only.
Keyboards and mouses especially.
- Look up at the sky sometimes. It helps.
Especially if you’re feeling grim or are trapped in a hole ready to be killed by a 1990s horror character with a name that will never be as good as “The Hitcher” so why did they even bother?
- Saying ‘I’m not racist but’ leads to everyone thinking that you would never say that to another race.
You ARE racist. You are racist against races that haven’t been discovered by you yet.
- ‘I’m too long in the tooth’ actually means you are just a lazy prick and the company should stop paying you.
You will not learn anything new and may as well just die on the spot. Stop ruining my day with your, your vibes.
- Michael McIntyre’s jokes are probably not Michael McIntyre’s jokes.
- Having an alter-ego over 30 is pathetic. Committing to it means you are probably mentally ill. Call Bressie immediately.
- Instagramming pictures of your breakfast is fine. Do not do it if your breakfast is tragic.
It may also make you mentally ill. It’s food. It’s your food. You are not aesthetic at all. Food makes you shit. Sometimes quicker than at other times. Add coffee. Doesn’t matter how pretty it is, you’re going to shit. That’s what I think when I see breakfast on Instagram. That person will soon take a shit.
- Echoing David Cross’s sentiment, does anyone have a solid shit after 30?
- Office politics are pointless.
Whenever it happens. Take a step back, then take a deep breath and then take another step back straight into the elevator, then out the front door and never go back. Never ever go back.
- Don’t try to be like your parents. They watched Glenroe; you watched the Wire. They saw Kennedy; you saw Trump. Alternate realities.
You have nothing in common. Just leave it.
- It is easy to avoid reality television by not watching it or reading about it or knowing anyone who knows anything about it
- Crisps become very important over the age of 30. Go with it. It can replace religion in your life.
Shove that shit in your face while quaffing wine. Do it. Go for a run the next morning, whatever. The pleasure of shoving crisps in between your fillings may be the meaning of life. The taste, the artificial pleasure, the…the… Oh my. (With that I am raptured)
- Fighting people on Twitter is the equivalent of getting into an argument with a family member. There will never be a winner. This is America…boom boom
Dogs sniffing each other’s asses have more dignity than twitter warriors.
- Stop going to festivals. You’re only encouraging them.
Go to a gig in a pub or at your local venue. Go somewhere with just music and a bar. No gourmet burgers or fucking wraps. Just a shitty band at a shitty venue. It’s good for the soul.
- Do not do the fucking sheet trick with dogs. Leave them alone. Why confuse an already confused slave animal.
It’s not for their benefit. You could theoretically do the same thing to the elderly in a home. Also these animals adore you unequivocally and look to you for guidance. What happens when you fall down a well? Your retriever will be thinking, “Ha, fuck you. You’re not going to get me with that one again. Wanker. Oh look, a butt.”
- Waistcoats: I mean c’mon?
Maybe, just maybe it’s acceptable in a period drama. Or if you’re Michael Flatley, because I doubt if he has any other clothes.
- Bow ties: STOP, like. Unless you’re this guy. The brother wears what the brother wants.
Very few adults can get away with wearing a dickie bow and not looking like they are making their first Communion. Very few.
- Do not buy an expensive car for social status, buy a small car with a fuck-off engine and see if them pricks will catch you. (Except a Golf. Don’t be that person)
Or get a dickie bow.
- Cleanliness is close to Godliness. Do not lie with pigs, I think.
- Do not read reviews if you have your own personal taste on things. Why disagree with someone whose taste you don’t give a shit about in the first place?
- Something was good. It’s not good anymore, but it was good. Still better than your sorry excuse for a life.
No one will remember you.
- Having one really good friend is better than having a thousand, unless your one really good friend is the reason you haven’t got a thousand friends. Fuck you, George.
I want as few people as possible at my funeral because the awkwardness of being at funerals of people you don’t really know should be taken into account when you’re sticking a body in the ground. This applies to weddings too when you’re sticking a body in the ground.
- I am not impressed by your sexual prowess as I am not impressed with your saxophone skills. I don’t care who you fucked or that you can play “Blue Train.” Fair fucks but you are making me feel inadequate, thanks.
- As an atheist, do not tell your child that he has no soul. Tell other people’s children instead.
Then they’ll tell their friends who will tell your kid and it’ll all be sorted.
It’s the circle of life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
God is dead
- NAZI PUNKS FUCK OFF
- Smoke ’em if you got ’em.
Then quit and wish you had some. (Every fucking day)
- Keep on keeping on or until the logical magical conclusion.
- Power is always ruined by one clever cynical prick in the corner of the office. Absolute power is ruined by a bunch of cynical pricks in the corner of the office.
- Got tattoos? Well, so do grannies on your local beach. Not so underground now are ya, punk?
- Borderline psychosis leads to mlogging. Be careful…everyone else.
Go back 49 paces to item 1 and repeat Ad infinitum.